## Monday’s Math Puzzle

-Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach?

-Because they have sine and cosine to get a tan and don’t need the sun.

-What did algebra math book say to the other?

-Don’t bother me I’ve got my own problems!

– How do you know that your dentist studied algebra?

– She said all that candy gave me exponential decay.

Teacher: Why didn’t you do your math homework?

George: It committed suicide because it had too many ex’s.

Why are you so negative?

-Just take me for my absolute value!

-George: They really understand parent functions.

Teacher: Could you please pay a little attention here?

Student: Sure, I am paying as little attention as I can.

Happy Monday, wherever you are! 🙂

## Thursday’s Math Puzzle

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
“The teacher asked ‘How much is 2×3?’ and I said ‘6’”
“But that’s right!”
“Then she asked me ‘How much is 3×2?'”
“What’s the fucking difference?”
“That’s exactly what I said!”

A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, “if you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?”

“Somebody else’s pants.”

The teacher came up with a good problem. “Suppose,” she asked the second-graders, “there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?”
“None? Norman, you don’t know your arithmetic.”
“Teacher, you don’t know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!”

Teacher: Milton, how can you prove the earth is round?
Milton: I can’t. Besides, I never said it was.

Happy Thursday, wherever you are! 🙂

## Tuesday’s Math Puzzle

Teacher: Suppose, I give you 2 dogs. Then I again give you 2 dogs. How many will you have?
George: 5
Teacher: How?
George: I have a dog in my house now.

The maths teacher asked Little Billy “If you have £20 and I ask you for £10 as a
loan, how many pounds would you still have?”.
“How so?” enquired the teacher.
“Just because you ask me to loan you £10, it doesn’t mean I am going to”.

A schoolteacher sent a letter to all parents after day one of the new term which said “If you can promise that you will not believe all that your child says goes on at school, I will promise you that I won’t believe all that your child says goes on at home”.

A young boy was teaching mathematics to a young girl, saying that this was his good deed. He kissed her; he then kissed her again; he kissed her a third time adding “There, thats addition”. She silently gave him the kisses back sweetly saying ” So that will be
subtraction?”. They then kissed each other at the same time. Both smiled and said together ” That’s multiplication.” Just at that moment, the young girls father arrived. He kicked him for two blocks exclaiming “That’s long division”.

Teacher: If your father and mother both give you 50\$, what you will get?
George: A new video game.

Happy Tuesday, wherever you are! 🙂

## Monday’s Math Puzzle

Teacher :What happened in 1809?
Student: Abraham Lincoln was born.
Teacher :What happened in 1819?
Student: Abraham Lincoln was ten years old.

A teacher asked student, What is the full form of Maths?
The student answered, ‘Mentaly Affected Teachers Harrasing Students’

Teacher: Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Pluto and Neptune. Everyone must attend it.
Student: Sorry, my mom would not let me go so far.

Teacher: Give me an example of Coincidence.
George: My mom and dad got married on the same date.

George: He is as old as I am.
Teacher: How is it possible?
George: Because he became a dad only after I was born.

Teacher: What’s the meaning of Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder?
Teacher: I don’t understand anything you said.
George: Same here.

Happy Monday, wherever you are! 🙂

## Wednesday’s Math Puzzle

What is a math teacher’s favourite sum?
-Summer!

Teacher: George, you know you can’t sleep in my class!
George:I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.

George: I don’t think I deserved zero on this test!
Teacher: I agree, but that’s the lowest mark I could give you!

Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of
George: Life imprisonment!

-What do you call a teacher without students?
-Broke…oh wait, that’s a regular teacher

Teacher: Why have you got cotton wool in your ears, do you have an infection?
George: Well you keep saying that things go in one ear and out the other so I am trying to keep them it all in!

Kid comes home from 1st day at school. Mum asks, ‘What did you learn today?’ Kid replies, ‘Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.’

Teacher: You copied from Fred’s exam paper didn’t you ?
George: How did you know ?
Teacher: Fred’s paper says “I don’t know” and you have put “Me, neither”!

Happy Wednesday, wherever you are! 🙂

## Monday’s Math Puzzle

What happens when you put a root beer in a square glass?

-It just becomes beer.

***

-What is the chemical formula for water?
-“HIJKLMNO”!!
– What are you talking about?
-Yesterday you said it’s H to O!

Teacher: Stephan, go to the map and find North America.
Stephan: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class : Stephan!

Teacher: George, name one important thing we have today but we didn’t have it 10 years ago.
George: Me!

Teacher: Why are you late?
George: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
George: The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”

Happy Monday, wherever you are! 🙂

## Note din Joi

Diriga:
– Gigel, trebuie neapărat să-ţi îndrepţi notele la matematică!
– Am încercat, doamnă! Din trei, am făcut opt. Dar din doi…?!

Clientul către ospătar:
– Nu-mi plac surprizele, aşa că vă zic de acum: am numai 50 de lei la mine. Ce-mi recomandaţi?
Ospatarul:
– Un alt restaurant.

Charlie Chaplin a fost întrebat:
– După experienţa dumneavoastră de o viaţă, care femei sunt cele mai fidele? Cele blonde, cele brune sau cele roşcate?
– Cele cărunte!

Profesorul:
— De unde vin cărbunii, Bulă?
— Din Popescu!
— Cum din Popescu, nătărăule ?!
— Păi, aşa mi-a şoptit el: din mine… din mine…

O profesoară a cerut elevilor să spună o povestire cu morală. Bulă povesteşte:
– Tatăl meu mi-a povestit despre matuşa Ana… Matuşa Ana era inginer de aviaţie în război, iar avionul ei a fost lovit. A trebuit să aterizeze forţat pe teritoriul inamic şi tot ce avea la ea era o sticlă de pălincă, o puşcă şi o sabie.
– Continuă, spuse profesoara intrigată.
– Matuşa Ana a baut toată pălinca pentru a se pregăti… apoi a aterizat în mijlocul a 100 de soldaţi inamici. Ea a omorat 70 dintre ei cu mitraliera până s-au terminat gloanţele. Apoi a mai omorât 20 cu sabia până s-a tocit lama. Pe ultimii 10 i-a omorât cu mâinile goale.
– Dumnezeule mare, spuse profesoara îngrozită, şi care ţi-a zis tatăl tău că este morala?
– Stai departe de matuşa Ana când e beată!

Clientul:
– Ce fel de restaurant e asta? Ciorbă nu mai este, felul doi nu mai este, desert nu mai este…aduceţi-mi haina, vă rog!
Chelnerul:
-Este un restaurant cu specific românesc: nici haina nu mai este!

Să ştii, ospătar, că în localul vostru mă simt ca acasă.
– Vă place atât de mult la noi?
– Da’ de unde! Nici acolo, ca şi aici, nu mă bagă nimeni în seamă!

O ardeleancă ii spune prietenei sale:
– De când m-a parasit Ionel toată ziua bea si stă prin baruri. Uite ce s-a ales de viaţa lui!?!?
– Da. Si mie mi se pare că se bucură cam mult!

Un avocat era bucuros că fiul său terminase avocatura şi astfel putea să-i calce pe urme. Trece ceva timp şi avocatul cel tânăr preia cazurile tatălui său, acesta ieşind la pensie. Într-o zi, vine bucuros acasă şi îi zice tatălui:
– Tată, ştii cazul ăla care n-ai putut tu să-l rezolvi în 25 de ani?
– Da, fiule!
– L-am rezolvat, simplu, într-o săptămână!
– Foarte bine, fiule, dar să nu uiţi că acel caz te-a ţinut pe tine la şcoală, la liceu, la facultate şi mai rămânea şi de-o vacanţă.

## Monday’s Math Puzzle

“That awkward moment when you finish a math problem and your answer isn’t even one of the choices.” – Ritu Ghatourey

“If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of ten it will.” – Paul Harvey

Happy Monday, wherever you are! 🙂

## Friday’s Math Puzzle

B&Q JOB APPLICATION: This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells. They hired him because he was so funny….

NAME:  Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX:  Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION:  Company’s Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying in the first place – would I?

DESIRED SALARY:  £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:  Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:  A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:  It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30 – 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:  Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:  I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:  I may already be a winner of the Reader’s Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – no! On my breaks – yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:  Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?: 7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:  Oh yes. absolutely.

—————————————————————————————————————————————–
After landing my new job as a B & Q “Greeter”, a good find for many retirees. I lasted less than a day . . . . .

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, Tattooed Bognor Babe walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly,
“Good morning and welcome to B & Q.” I then said,
“Nice children you have there. Are they twins?” The woman stopped yelling long enough to say,  “No, they ain’t effin twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7, why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?” I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn’t believe someone sha**ed you twice….

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q.”

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

Happy Friday, wherever you are!

## Cheeky

“I am a great believer that anything not expressly forbidden is explicitly allowed.” – Garth Nix, Clariel

“You stole my heart the day we met, and I’ve never asked for it back.” – Shirley Jump, The Christmas Baby Surprise

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.

If you think things can’t get worse it’s probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

You can’t be late until you show up.

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.

Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven’t sent one out.

Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

It isn’t homework unless it’s due tomorrow.

It may look like I’m doing nothing, but I’m actively waiting for my problems to go away.

Evolutionists have proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof.

Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.

Love is like pi – natural, irrational, and very important.

In response to The Daily Post – Photo Challenge, Cheeky