Nepotriveală în înțelesuri sau pierderea potrivelii

A fost un fel de potriveală a nepotrivelii bineînțeles. Că tocmai ce rostisem într-un cerc frumos de handover, alcătuit din nu mai puțin de 20 de suflete, un cuvânt magic: Coc, ( de la Coca Cola). Era o dimineață ploioasă de iunie iar eu tocmai prezentam colegilor raportul de gardă. Eram nursă în “charge” și explicam frumușel tot ce se întâmplase în noaptea respectivă. Probabil că aveam o expresie facială foarte serioasă în momentul în care am susținut că doamnei “X” îi place Coc, deci ar fi bine ca medicația să fie dată cu “Coc”… Amu, nu știu exact cum o fi sunat “Coc”-ul meu, că lumea începuse brusc a chicoti iar peste chicoteala lor aud glasul managerei exprimând o mirare a mirărilor. Colegul aflat în dreapta mea, îmi șoptește în ureche ceea ce înseamnă “Coc” în felul în care eu pronunțasem. Phaaaii!!! Nu vă spun cum am crezut că o să întru adânc în fundația clădirii de rușine. Că voiam să mă ascund oriunde, și că așa cum stăteam noi toți într-un cerc, mi-am văzut toate karmele rânjind într-un ochi de râsu-plansu’… Mi-am scuzat pe repede înainte engleza mea și am reluat fraza cu doamna căreia îi place Coca Cola, să fim înțeleși!!! Și mi-am amintit brusc de toate serile în care vizitasem McDonaldul din centrul Mansfieldului și ceream un “Coc”… Văleu, Engleza, bat-o vina!!!

Revin cu nepotriveala asta haioasă, la care sper să ați reușit să-i dezlegați potriveala. Pentru cei ce nu au dezlegat-o, spun doar că înseamnă partea masculină cu pricina…
Iar eu am rămas cu sechele ale gândirii pe spinarea pronunției. Și încerc să înțeleg totuși cum potriveala dialectului din Mansfield mi-a adus o nepotriveală de toată jena cu pronunția mea de om rătăcit în ale englezismelor.

11139556_1578297852445860_2083649003_n1

Eram într-o pauză de masă, bucurându-ne de soare, afară în curtea companiei. Mă sună Florina! Eu, bucuroasă, răspund plină de insuflețire și reușesc doar să spun colegilor că voi vorbi în românește. Cu speranța că mă vor înțelege și nu se vor supăra. Ok, no problem, îmi replică Trudi. Și încep eu a turui vrute și nevrute de zile mari cu Florina. Că fac aia, că fac aialaltă, ca ea a făcut aia, că ar face aialaltă. Și cum îi dau eu într-o ardelenească presărată cu dor, văd fețele colegilor mei privindu-mă ciudat. Eram prea prinsă în bucuria mea de a vorbi românește cu o prietenă. Și făceam probabil multe în conversația mea, că la un moment dat, Trudi se răstește către mine: Te rog, nu mai înjura!

Termin convorbirea și Trudi îmi explică cum suna injuratul meu: cu fac, fac, fac… Bineînțeles că m-am amuzat în barbă! Explic tuturor cum în limba mea sunetele din  “fac” înseamnă cu totul altceva. Și ne amuzăm apoi copios cu toții. Nu înainte ca Trudi să își explice un fenomen: de ce par vecinii ei antipatici… Păi dacă o tot dau oamenii cu “fac” în sus, “fac” în jos,normal că nu prea au popularitate! Nepotriveală în potriveală!

Cu “făcutul” este mai complicat în nepotriveală, așa că de cele mai multe ori pierd potriveala, dar cu “Coc“ul tot nu m-am lămurit cum era hiba și dacă ne întâlnim la un suc, precis o să beau o “Coca Cola”.  Engleza, bat-o vina!  La voi cum este?

Sunday Jokes

A nursing assistant, a floor nurse and a charge nurse from a small nursing home were all having their lunch break in the break room.

Suddenly, a stately lady dressed in silk scarves and wearing large polished-stone jewelry walked in.

She grandly said, “I am Gina the Great. I’m so pleased with the way you’ve looked after my aunt that I’m going to grant you one wish each!”

Then she waved of her hand. There was a puff of smoke and the room was suddenly full of flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did indeed have the power to grant wishes.

The nurses quickly discussed among themselves who should ask for the first wish.

Eventually the nursing assistant wished first. She said, “I wish I was on a beautiful tropical island, with single, handsome young men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need.”

There was another puff of smoke and the nursing assistant disappeared.

The floor nurse was next to make her wish. She said, “I wish I was rich and retired, and spending my days in my own cosy, warm cabin at a ski resort with beautiful, well-groomed men feeding me wine and chocolates.”

There was yet another puff of smoke and the floor nurse too was gone.

The lady asked the charge nurse, “Now, what is the final wish?”

The charge nurse said, “I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break.”

nursing-jokes
Source: Google Images 

A nurse sees a guy wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital so she stops him and asks what’s wrong.

He says, “I’m due to have an operation but I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.’”

The nurse says, “That’s okay, she was just trying to comfort you. What’s so frightening about that?”

The guy replies, “She was talking to the doctor!”

***

A practical nurse is one who marries a rich, terminally ill patient.

funnynursememesfunnynursejokes
Google Images 

A lady went for a routine physical examination at the doctor’s office.

The nurse handed her a urine specimen container and said, “The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.”

A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.

She said to the nurse, “Thanks, but they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all.”

130ae3c53d2f29a675a369b83c0da52d
Google Images 

Paddy’s wife was ready to give birth so he rushes her to hospital.

When he gets there the nurse asks him, “How dilated is she?”

Paddy replies, “Oh Jaysus, we’re both over the moon.”

***

How do you know that a dead body found by the side of the road is a nurse?

Because its stomach is empty, its bladder is full, and its ass chewed.

***

An old nurse is talking to her young colleague and says to her, “My new patient has the weirdest tattoo on his penis. It’s the word SWAN.”

The young nurse is intrigued and so she persuades the old nurse to swap patients with her so she can see the strange tattoo too.

Afterwards, the young nurse reports back to the old one, “You don’t read very well. The tattoo says SASKATOON SASKATCHEWAN.”

8thdayofnursingcreation
Google Images 

Three nurses died and went to heaven. They were sent to see St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.

The first nurse said, “I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven.”

St. Peter looked at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse said, “I worked in an operating room. It’s a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard. I think I deserve to go to heaven.”

St. Peter looked at her file and admits her to heaven.

The third nurse said, “I was a case manager for an HMO.”

St. Peter looked at her file. He pulled out a calculator and started punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse’s file.

After a few minutes St. Peter looked up, smiled, and said, “Congratulations! You’ve been admitted to heaven…

For five days!”

201603_2100_egfab_sm
Google Images 

A skilled nurse died and went to heaven where she was met by St. Peter, who explained, “We have a policy of letting you to choose whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell.”

The nurse asked him, “But how do I know which to choose?”

“That’s easy,” said St. Peter, “You  just spend a day in each place before deciding.”

With that, he put the nurse in an elevator and sent her down to hell.

When she reached the bottom the elevator doors opened and the nurse found herself in a sunny garden, where many former friends and colleagues warmly greeted her. She had a great time all day laughing and talking about old times. That night, she had an excellent supper in a fantastic restaurant. She even met the devil, who turned out to be a pretty nice guy. Before she knew it, her day in hell was over and she returned to heaven.

The day in heaven was okay. She lounged around on clouds, sang, and played the harp.

At the end of the day, St. Peter came and asked for her decision.

“Well, heaven was okay,” the nurse said, “but to be honest I had a much better time in hell. So I know it sounds strange, but I choose hell.”

With that, she got in the elevator and went back down.

When she got to the bottom and the doors opened, she saw a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. Her friends, dressed in rags, were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks.

When the devil walked over, she said to him, “I don’t understand. Yesterday, this place was beautiful. We had a delicious meal and a wonderful time laughing and talking.”

The devil smiled and said, “Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you’re staff.”

8cfe716329e4b014296245214d34f4d5
Google Images 

Q: Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?

A: It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn’t at work anymore!

Jokes’ source: Google Brother

db7f778b515a306fb8afffa178981fc9
Google Images 

 

Question of the day

In a one-story red  house, there was a red  person, a red cat, a red  fish, a red  computer, a red chair, a red  table, a red telephone, a red  shower– everything was  red!
What color were the stairs?

(Source: My little student, who  has started the day with this question! )

question-girl-face
Source: Google Brother 

Engineering

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: “A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we’ll pay you $1,000 if we fail.”

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: “I have lost my sense of taste.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “This is Gasoline!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”


The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”


The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”
Engineer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000,” passing the doctor a $500 note.
Doctor: “But this is $500…”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your vision back! That will be $500.”

Source: Google Brother 

11139556_1578297852445860_2083649003_n[1]

Nobody had no idea why this was happening… The reason is …hilarious

There was a case in one hospital’s Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning at 11 A.M., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 A. M. on Sundays.

So, a Worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 A. M., all the doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11… Pookie Johnson, The part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Source: Google Brother

11139556_1578297852445860_2083649003_n[1]

Joking Therapy Round – Charting

Assessment

All charting errors starts with assessment, of course.

 “On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared!”

 “Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.”

 “She is numbed from her toes down.”

 “Cough with flame” (I guess that nurse’s patient was a dragon!).

And did you know that rectal exams can now reveal the size of your thyroid?

 “Rectal examination revealed a normal sized thyroid”. Or maybe, that nurse has really long index finger.

Another thing, assessment cues like these can be really confusing:

 “Skin: somewhat pale but present.”

“The skin was moist and dry.”

 “Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.”

“Patient was alert and unresponsive.”

medhumor7-thumb

Medical History

 “The patient has no previous history of suicides.”

 “The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.”

“She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got separated”, that patient’s marriage must be really awful, talk about getting a relief!

 “Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities”, DSM-V now indicates that having teenage children is an abnormality.

 “The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.”

funny-side-effects

Weird Nursing Diagnoses 

 “Acute pain related to witchcraft”.

 “Bowel incontinence related to shyness”.

 “Insomnia related to computer games”.

Interventions & Others

“Discharge status: Alive but without permission.” I didn’t knew that hospitals now issue permissions for you to be alive.

 “The patient refused autopsy.” – LOL

 “With 02 inhalation via foley bag catheter attached to urobag.”

 “Advised patient to take a bath”

 “IVF consumed and terminated then replaced with the same IVF”

 “Regulated IVF to KVO to run for 2 hours”

 “While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.”

 “The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.”

$T2eC16N,!)UE9s3wBePgBQ4NvhI)4Q~~60_35

And the winner is: 

 “She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night”.

***

Source: Google Brother

11139556_1578297852445860_2083649003_n[1]

Bringing the jokes to the X-Ray

Q: Why didn’t the radiologist marry the radiographer?
A: Well, they saw through each other!

***

Three consultants went duck hunting – a radiologist, a surgeon and a pathologist. The radiologist was up first. The ducks flew over and he aimed the shotgun but didn’t fire. When asked why he replied that he thought they were ducks on the AP view, but by the time he could see them in the lateral it was too late. Next was the surgeon. As the ducks came along he started firing wildly in the air, ducks falling like rain. When the smoke cleared he directed his residents to collect the ducks and then handed them to the pathologist saying “here you are. Now tell me are these ducks or not?”

***

xray_wetplate_b

An internist, a surgeon and a radiologist go duck hunting. There aren’t any ducks, so they start bragging about their dogs. Finally they decide to have a contest.

They put down a chocolate chip cake. The internist points to the cake and says to his dog, “Sic it, Osler!”

Osler trots to the cake, takes out a notebook, and writes down all the ingredients, in descending order by concentration. Then he carries the note back to his master and wags his tail.

“Good boy, Osler! Impressive, huh?”

The surgeon snarls and says to his dog, “Get it, Halsted!”

Halsted runs over, takes out a scalpel, divides the cake into equal sections, dissects out all the chocolate chips and puts them in a container to sent to pathology. Then he goes back to his master.

“Good dog, Halsted,” the surgeon says smugly.

“You haven’t seen anything yet,” says the radiologist. “Okay, Roentgen!”

Roentgen runs over, eats the cake, screws the other two dogs, and gets home by 3 o’clock.

***

A: I have just lost an electron.
B: Are you positive?

***

2012_10_25_11_42_41_997_2012_10_29_humor_pic6

***

An evil genie captured a Radiologist and her two friends and banished them to the desert for a week. The genie allowed each person to bring one thing.

The first friend brought a canteen so he wouldn’t die of thirst.

The second friend brought an umbrella to keep the sun off.

The Radiologist brought a car door, because if it got too hot she could just roll down the window!

***

2012_10_25_11_42_48_332_2012_10_29_humor_pic2

A radiology technician in a hospital emergency room took X rays of a trauma patient. The tech brought the films to the radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of both femurs and pelvis.

“What happened to this patient?” the radiologist asked in astonishment.

“He fell out of a tree,” the tech replied.

“What was he doing up in a tree?”

“I’m not sure, but his paperwork states he works for  Mark’s Expert Tree Pruning Service.’
Gazing intently at the X rays, the radiologist blinked and said, “Cross out ‘experts.'”

***

2012_10_25_11_42_49_517_2012_10_29_humor_pic1

Source: Google

***

A nursing joke – Differences Between Graduate Nurse and Experienced Nurses

A Graduate Nurse throws up when the patient does.
An experienced nurse calls housekeeping when a patient throws up.

A Graduate Nurse wears so many pins on their name badge you can´t read it.
An experienced nurse doesn´t wear a name badge for liability reasons

A Graduate Nurse charts too much.
An experienced nurse doesn´t chart enough.

A Graduate Nurse loves to run to codes.
An experienced nurse makes graduate nurses run to codes.

A Graduate Nurse wants everyone to know they are a nurse.
An experienced nurse doesn´t want anyone to know they are a nurse.

A Graduate Nurse keeps detailed notes on a pad.
An experienced nurse writes on the back of their hand, paper scraps, napkins, etc.

A Graduate Nurse will spend all day trying to reorient a patient.
An experienced nurse will chart the patient is disoriented and restrain them.

A Graduate Nurse can hear a beeping I-med at 50 yards.
An experienced nurse can´t hear any alarms at any distance.

A Graduate Nurse loves to hear abnormal heart and breath sounds.
An experienced nurse doesn´t want to know about them unless the patient is symptomatic.

A Graduate Nurse spends 2 hours giving a patient a bath.
An experienced nurse lets the CNA give the patient a bath.

A Graduate Nurse thinks people respect Nurses.
An experienced nurse knows everybody blames everything on the nurse.

A Graduate Nurse looks for blood on a bandage hoping they will get to change it.
An experienced nurse knows a little blood never hurt anybody.

A Graduate Nurse looks for a chance “to work with the family.”
An experienced nurse avoids the family.

A Graduate Nurse expects meds and supplies to be delivered on time.
An experienced nurse expects them to never be delivered at all.

A Graduate Nurse will spend days bladder training an incontinent patient.
An experienced nurse will insert a Foley catheter.

A Graduate Nurse always answers their phone.
An experienced nurse checks their caller ID before answering the phone.

A Graduate Nurse thinks psych patients are interesting.
An experienced nurse thinks psych patients are crazy.

A Graduate Nurse carries reference books in their bag.
An experienced nurse carries magazines, lunch, and some “cough syrup” in their bag.

A Graduate Nurse doesn´t find this funny.
An experienced nurse does.

Source: Google Brother

11139556_1578297852445860_2083649003_n[1]

Heaven or hell…?

Tragically, Sally Mason, an HR manager was hit and killed by a 4×4 when she crossed the road while talking on her mobile.
As her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter himself was on hand to greet her.
“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, as with everyone, we’d like to give you the opportunity to experience both heaven and hell so what we’re going to do is let you have a day in each before you decide where you wish to spend eternity.”
“Fair enough, although I’m sure I want to be in heaven”, said Sally.
“But you’ve never been to hell so how would you possibly know?” And with that Ms Mason found herself on a seemingly endless escalator descending to Hell.
Eventually she arrived and the HR manager found herself stepping onto a beach of fine white sand, with deep blue water lapping at her feet and a bar with gorgeous waiter serving refreshing cocktails.
Just beyond that she could see a luxury hotel and friendly faces welcoming her, many of them people she knew from her life as an HR consultant. They sat around, reminisced, laughed, swam and then as the bright golden sun disappeared below the horizon they all went into the hotel for an amazing meal.
She even met Satan who was also very friendly, and not at all like the evil devil she had been led to believe he was. The evening was fabulous with more drink, jokes and dancing.
Heaven or hell?
Sally had a wonderful time in hell but all to quickly her visit came to an end and she was whisked onto the escalator to sample heaven. Everybody smiled and waved good-bye as she disappeared into the clouds.
The escalator went up for what seemed like an age but eventually she arrived at heaven where St Peter was once again there to greet her.
“OK, so now it’s time to spend 24 hours in Heaven” he said. Sally took her place amongst the clouds. Everyone was sitting around, chatting quietly, playing lutes and harps, and Sally joined in. People were pleasant but it was nothing like as much fun as hell.
In fact the 24 hours seemed interminable but eventually it all came to an end and St. Peter came see her. “So,” he said, “you’ve experienced heaven and hell – where would you like to spend the rest of eternity?”
Without hesitating Sally replied, “Hell – no question. I can’t believe I’m saying this because before I arrived I would have stayed in heaven without even visiting hell, but now that I’ve seen it I know that’s much more my kind of place. Heaven is fine, but I think I’m better suited to spending the rest of eternity in hell.”
St. Peter nodded and escorted her back to the escalator which swept her back down, eventually, to hell, but when she arrived it was very different. Sally found herself standing in a hot, dry, putrid smelling wilderness. For as far as she could see all around was detritus, organic waste, and the stench of death.
All her friends, old and new were dressed in filthy rags and were picking up scraps of rancid food to eat. Satan came up to her again and welcomed her.
“I don’t understand,” sobbed Sally. “When I came yesterday it was fabulous food and drink, beautiful sun drenched sandy beaches and clear blue sea. Now all there is  a wasteland of putrid waste and everyone is scratching around for food.”

The Devil looked at her and smiled, “that’s because yesterday we were recruiting you, but now you’re on the staff.”

Source: Google Brother.

11139556_1578297852445860_2083649003_n[1]