Sunday Jokes

A nursing assistant, a floor nurse and a charge nurse from a small nursing home were all having their lunch break in the break room.

Suddenly, a stately lady dressed in silk scarves and wearing large polished-stone jewelry walked in.

She grandly said, “I am Gina the Great. I’m so pleased with the way you’ve looked after my aunt that I’m going to grant you one wish each!”

Then she waved of her hand. There was a puff of smoke and the room was suddenly full of flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did indeed have the power to grant wishes.

The nurses quickly discussed among themselves who should ask for the first wish.

Eventually the nursing assistant wished first. She said, “I wish I was on a beautiful tropical island, with single, handsome young men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need.”

There was another puff of smoke and the nursing assistant disappeared.

The floor nurse was next to make her wish. She said, “I wish I was rich and retired, and spending my days in my own cosy, warm cabin at a ski resort with beautiful, well-groomed men feeding me wine and chocolates.”

There was yet another puff of smoke and the floor nurse too was gone.

The lady asked the charge nurse, “Now, what is the final wish?”

The charge nurse said, “I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break.”

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Source: Google Images 

A nurse sees a guy wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital so she stops him and asks what’s wrong.

He says, “I’m due to have an operation but I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.’”

The nurse says, “That’s okay, she was just trying to comfort you. What’s so frightening about that?”

The guy replies, “She was talking to the doctor!”

***

A practical nurse is one who marries a rich, terminally ill patient.

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Google Images 

A lady went for a routine physical examination at the doctor’s office.

The nurse handed her a urine specimen container and said, “The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.”

A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.

She said to the nurse, “Thanks, but they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all.”

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Google Images 

Paddy’s wife was ready to give birth so he rushes her to hospital.

When he gets there the nurse asks him, “How dilated is she?”

Paddy replies, “Oh Jaysus, we’re both over the moon.”

***

How do you know that a dead body found by the side of the road is a nurse?

Because its stomach is empty, its bladder is full, and its ass chewed.

***

An old nurse is talking to her young colleague and says to her, “My new patient has the weirdest tattoo on his penis. It’s the word SWAN.”

The young nurse is intrigued and so she persuades the old nurse to swap patients with her so she can see the strange tattoo too.

Afterwards, the young nurse reports back to the old one, “You don’t read very well. The tattoo says SASKATOON SASKATCHEWAN.”

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Google Images 

Three nurses died and went to heaven. They were sent to see St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.

The first nurse said, “I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven.”

St. Peter looked at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse said, “I worked in an operating room. It’s a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard. I think I deserve to go to heaven.”

St. Peter looked at her file and admits her to heaven.

The third nurse said, “I was a case manager for an HMO.”

St. Peter looked at her file. He pulled out a calculator and started punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse’s file.

After a few minutes St. Peter looked up, smiled, and said, “Congratulations! You’ve been admitted to heaven…

For five days!”

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Google Images 

A skilled nurse died and went to heaven where she was met by St. Peter, who explained, “We have a policy of letting you to choose whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell.”

The nurse asked him, “But how do I know which to choose?”

“That’s easy,” said St. Peter, “You  just spend a day in each place before deciding.”

With that, he put the nurse in an elevator and sent her down to hell.

When she reached the bottom the elevator doors opened and the nurse found herself in a sunny garden, where many former friends and colleagues warmly greeted her. She had a great time all day laughing and talking about old times. That night, she had an excellent supper in a fantastic restaurant. She even met the devil, who turned out to be a pretty nice guy. Before she knew it, her day in hell was over and she returned to heaven.

The day in heaven was okay. She lounged around on clouds, sang, and played the harp.

At the end of the day, St. Peter came and asked for her decision.

“Well, heaven was okay,” the nurse said, “but to be honest I had a much better time in hell. So I know it sounds strange, but I choose hell.”

With that, she got in the elevator and went back down.

When she got to the bottom and the doors opened, she saw a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. Her friends, dressed in rags, were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks.

When the devil walked over, she said to him, “I don’t understand. Yesterday, this place was beautiful. We had a delicious meal and a wonderful time laughing and talking.”

The devil smiled and said, “Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you’re staff.”

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Google Images 

Q: Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?

A: It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn’t at work anymore!

Jokes’ source: Google Brother

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Google Images 

 

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