“All I Remember”


When my father spoke to me, he always began the conversation with 
"Have I told you yet today how much I adore you?" The expression of 
love was reciprocated and, in his later years, as his life began to visibly 
ebb, we grew even closer.... if that were possible. 
At 82 he was ready to die, and I was ready to let him go so that his 
suffering would end. We laughed and cried and held hands and told 
each other of our love and agreed that it was time. I said, "Dad, after 
you've gone I want a sign from you that you're fine." He laughed at the 
absurdity of that; Dad didn't believe in reincarnation. I wasn't positive I 
did either, but I had had many experiences that convinced me I could 
get some signal "from the other side." 
My father and I were so deeply connected I felt his heart attack in my 
chest at the moment he died. Later I mourned that the hospital, in their 
sterile wisdom, had not let me hold his hand as he had slipped away. 
Day after day I prayed to hear from him, but nothing happened. Night 
after night I asked for a dream before I fell asleep. And yet four long 
months passed and I heard and felt nothing but grief at his loss. Mother 
had died five years before of Alzheimer's, and, though I had grown 
daughters of my own, I felt like a lost child. 
Suddenly my mother's face appeared — my mother, as she had been 
before Alzheimer's disease had stripped her of her mind, her humanity 
and 50 pounds. Her magnificent silver hair crowned her sweet face. She 
was so real and so close I felt I could reach out and touch her. She 
looked as she had a dozen years ago, before the wasting away had 
begun. I even smelled the fragrance of Joy, her favorite perfume. She 
seemed to be waiting and did not speak. I wondered how it could 
happen that I was thinking of my father and my mother appeared, and I 
felt a little guilty that I had not asked for her as well. 
I said, "Oh, Mother, I'm so sorry that you had to suffer with that horrible 
She tipped her head slightly to one side, as though to acknowledge what 
I had said about her suffering. Then she smiled — a beautiful smile — and 
said very distinctly, "But all I remember is love." And she disappeared. 
I began to shiver in a room suddenly gone cold, and I knew in my bones 
that the love we give and receive is all that matters and all that is 
remembered. Suffering disappears - love remains. 
Her words are the most important I have ever heard, and that moment is 
forever engraved on my heart. 
I have not yet seen or heard from my father, but I have no doubts that 
someday, when I least expect it, he will appear and say, "Have I told 
you yet today that I love you?" 

Bobbie Probstein ( Chicken Soup for the Soul)